Saturday, December 31, 2011

The UK vs U of L "Dream Game" Drinking Game

Every year the University of Kentucky Wildcats and the University of Louisville Cardinals face off in a battle of overpaid coaches with egos that barely fit inside of their overpriced arenas.   And every year, obnoxious fans do battle in a war to establish who can be the biggest jerks that year.    In honor of today's U of L / UK ("of" left out because spellin' is hard) sporting contest, let us raise a toast to this drinking game.   Rules are simple.  Take a drink every time one of the following occurs on-screen, at the game, at your viewing party, or on your Facebook page.

POINT VALUE 1 DRINK


  • Someone in the room, on the TV, or on Facebook yells "Go (Cats/Cards)"
  • Someone yells or posts on Facebook "guess the refs are pulling for (Louisville/Kentucky)" or its equivalent
  • The announcers use the phrase "intense rivalry"
  • Someone says or posts "These announcers suck."  
  • Someone says "let 'em play ref."  

POINT VALUE 2 DRINKS

  • A fan yells "GO BIG BLUE" into the camera.   (Add 10 drinks if he's shirtless and an extra 5 if his BMI is in the 40s.  Subtract 10 and grab your car keys if that person is in the room with you)   
  • Someone yells "that was some great acting" or "flop job" when there is a foul.   (Add 10 drinks if someone is offended by the phrase "flop job")   
  • Someone that you don't see playing on the court uses the word "we" when referring to the team he's cheering for.   (Add one drink if person never attended college.  Add 10 if the person never attended elementary school.)   
  • The words "Co-Rupt Arena" or "Yuck Center" are uttered  
  • A cheerleader looks at the camera and yells in a thin, reedy voice "Go (Cats/Cards)"  (Note:  If cheerleader is shirtless, you're watching the wrong channel.)  
  • Someone does the cheer where they spell out the name of the team.    (Add 10 drinks if they spell C A T S or C A R D S wrong)  
  • Either school's Pep Band plays "I Can't Turn You Loose
  • Karen Sypher is mentioned by someone in the room or on Facebook  (Give 10 drinks to Rick Pitino if Karen is spotted in the stands)
  • John Calipari's vacated seasons are mentioned by someone in the room or on Facebook (don't worry about giving Calipari drinks, he did nothing wrong ;)   )   
  • Someone says "ever notice that the last 2 minutes of the game take 30 minutes to play?"   
  • Someone says "Rick Pitino looks horrible."    (Add 10 drinks if that person is John Calipari)
  • Someone posts a nasty picture mocking the other team on Facebook.   (Add 10 if that picture contains a picture of you shirtless). 

POINT VALUE 10 DRINKS 

  • Announcers mention Rick Pitino's 15 seconds of shame
  • Announcers mention John Calipari's vacated seasons  
  • The relationship between Pitino and Calipari is discussed on air (add 100 if they discuss Calipari and Pitino having an affair with each other that led to vacated seasons)  
  • Someone yells "Go Big Red"   (Add 50 if they're actually drinking Big Red)  
  • Someone is following the game but says "I don't really care who wins." 
WINNING THE GAME

If you're a fan of either team and you drink so much that you pass out, the rest of us win.  

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Joe Bodolai in more than 140 characters

I am a self described SNL junkie.  As my wife can attest, right after she says "why do you keep watching that crap?", I usually watch every minute of every episode of the season.   In college, some 15 years after SNL hit the airwaves, my friends and I, who all were studying TV or film, envisioned becoming great successes as writers and/or performers on the show.      

Of course, real life, limited talent, and the fact that your mental ambition didn't match your heart intervened, and I simply became a big fan and SNL trivia buff.    Now I watched it with a critical eye and thought about how I could improve the show, mocking bad sketches, bad writing, and bad performing as only those who do not do the work can do.  

I still needed an outlet to be funny (or at least my attempts at humor) and so social media seemed perfect.   I tried to occasionally update my facebook status with a funny observation, silly joke, or political statement.    As my friends can attest, that got old.  

So I moved to Twitter, the place for snark, and started posting random jokes, political humor, and other nonsense.     A bit of luck while playing hashtag games saw me getting followed by others with a following, and eventually getting retweets from people with connections to the humor business.   Seeing my tweet retweeted by Kelly Carlin (daughter of comedy legend George Carlin), Lizz Winstead (creator of the Daily Show), or various other writers and standups who were in the business and actually WERE funny was an incredible kick in the pants.  

One of the people who was most enthusiastic in his support was a guy named Joe Bodolai.   He first contacted me asking me if I'd ever heard of Sarah Hyland (not the one from Modern Family and I'm guessing she gets tired of people adding that caveat), a comedian from my area that he featured on his You Tube Channel.   We traded tweets back and forth about his visit to the area, her comedy, and comedy in general.   I finally did some Googling and came back with information that Joe worked with numerous comedians in Canada, and (OMG!) worked on SNL for a season WHEN EDDIE MURPHY WAS THERE.     

Of course, I didn't ask him about this.   I wasn't sure of the etiquette.  Maybe he'd had a bad experience there.   Maybe he didn't get much on the air.  Was it right to say "what did you write?"   Instead we just traded and laughed at each other's jokes.     He never stopped telling me I was funny.

Since this was a Twitter friendship, it tended to exist in fits and spurts, depending on who saw what on any given day.    I hadn't seen much from Joe recently.    I didn't give it much thought.   People come and go on social networks based on what's occupying their mind or the novelty wearing off.   Then, last night I did something I rarely do.   I went to Huffington Post, a website I used to frequent until they started promoting quack cures and bullshit medicine.   There, like a beacon, was a picture of Joe Bodolai from his twitter feed, saying that he'd committed suicide in a most horrible of ways.  It's a cliche, but I was completely numb.  

I read his twitter feed.  There were the goodbyes I missed.  I went to his blog that I kept meaning to read.   There was his suicide note. 

I had no idea.   

I don't know what was going through Joe's head, but it seems obvious this was in his head for awhile and his friends and colleagues spoke of a sadness that would not go away.   In a culture that values youth and what you've did last week over talent and experience,  I guess Joe felt worthless or angry.   Funny and creative people tend not to get over the injustices in this world.   They may turn them into laughs, but the sadness and anger can live on inside.  

It's sad that I can no longer tell him that he was worth something to me, and the many who came to know him 140 characters at a time.  Rest in peace, Joe.  If there is an afterlife, I hope it's full of everything you couldn't find in this one.   

Saturday, December 24, 2011

My Daughter's Letter to Santa


Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas.  I haven't opened my Christmas presents yet, but thank you anyway.  Happy (early) New Year. Say Merry Christmas to Mrs.Claus, the elves (especially Clementine) , and to the reindeer for me.I hope you like our snowmen cookies, and I sure hope the cats haven't taken a bite. I would love to get to eat that many cookies in one night!

Something I really want this year is for the dog at Feeders Supply to get adopted. He deserves it. Also , if possible I wish he could get his leg fixed. I wish I could have that dog because he is so sweet but we have 3 cats 1 of who is meowing right now. I hope he gets adopted by a good family who gives him wonderful care. I would be so happy if he was adopted by Christmas but as long as he's adopted it doesn't matter. As long as he's not stuck in a shelter cage. But I'm sure they take very good care of him and he doesn't get sick.

Again, Merry Christmas and Happy (early) New year. I can't believe it's my 10th Christmas!!:) Thank you again for all the presents and have a wonderful year. I'll write to you next year! Bye!

Love,
Maddie      
Merry Christmas

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Donald Trump -- "Reality" Star


Donald Trump's name became known to most of us in the 80s.    His flashy lifestyle, outspoken personality and his books introduced us to the idea that success was great, and Donald Trump was its ambassador.

When I was in high school and college, Trump's name seemed to be popping up everywhere.  He owned a USFL Team.   His name was on big buildings.   He even had an airline.   

Then he faded from view.    

Enter The Apprentice.   I have to admit that I loved the IDEA of the Apprentice.    A reality competition in which teams of people compete in business tasks to find the ultimate best businessperson.   

Of course, like Trump Shuttle, the USFL and who knows how many businesses, it didn't take long for Trump (or more likely his producers with Trump's blessing) to completely screw it up.     

The Apprentice turned into nothing special.  It was simply Survivor with a business setting.    Instead of trying to do something different, like showing how cooperation, teamwork, and creativity could help people win in life, it became a show where conflict was encouraged in the worst ways.  And those who made noble efforts and failed were looked upon with more contempt than those who sabotaged the efforts in the first place.  But worst of all, it gave the ever arrogant Trump a second 15 minutes of fame.   

When I watch Trump now, I see a man who appears nothing like a business tycoon and everything like a Paris Hilton or Kardashian.   When he talks his voice and his words show a man with a limited vocabulary and a thought process that doesn't ever seem to kick out of first gear.    Even looking at his surroundings in recent news reports, he seems like an idiot version of Charles Foster Kane, living among relics of his past, including enough fake gold stuff to stock an Egyptian souvenir shop.    Trump's reality doesn't match reality's reality, which states that he's a master huckster, but not much of a businessman, with failed business ventures and a tendency for his arrogance to outshine what is best for a company in the first place.   Touting Trump as a model of a fine businessman is like asking Survivor's Richard Hatch to give tax advice.   

The problem for me is that Trump's reality has entered the world that I do care about, namely real news and politics.    In the sad mess that is our news today, Trump's given minutes of precious airtime that could be spent on something more important (like Chia Pets) to spout off on everything from his idiotic belief that Obama is foreign born to his ironic complaints that he feels Obama is arrogant and has no reason to be.  He's been allowed to promote his "debate" and voice his attacks at any candidate who doesn't bow down and kiss his gold plated ring.   But most of all he's just been allowed to show his humorless, hairless sour visage on my television screens and add nothing to the national debate.    I wish he'd just go away. 

Of course, the irony that  I just wrote several hundred words about the guy doesn't escape me.  

Thursday, December 1, 2011

F___ Newt -- To The Tune of F You by Cee Lo

CHORUS 
I see him flying cross country
Dissing poor peo-ple and i'm like,
F___ Newt
Oo, oo, ooo
Because the change in our pockets 
just isn't enough
for
Fat Newt
That tub of goo
I said, if we were richer, then he'd be with us
Ha, now ain't that some shit? (ain't that some shit?)
Surprised there's not pain in his chest
with his manly breasts.
F___ Newt 
Oo, oo, ooo

Yeah i'm sorry, we can't afford a Ferrari,
But that don't mean we don't vote or care 
If this were the 1700s we'd feather and tar ye
And not just for your many affairs

I pity the fool that falls in love with you
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know pig)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your Koch boyfriends

(chorus)

You complain about how the country borrows,
But you're part of the reason we're nearly broke
You shop at Tiffany's, then piss on the poor
But even Jesus thinks you're a joke  

I picture the fool that casts a vote for you
(oh shit he's a dumb idiot)
Well
(oh shit he's a dumb idiot)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
We really hate yo ass right now
(chorus)

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?

(so bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you oh!
I still love you. Oooh!