Wednesday, June 27, 2012

People to Poke On Facebook (With a sharp object)

Facebook's initial public offering seems to have come just as people are realizing they really don't need Facebook.   Most of us have spent our lives without the need to know that somebody's cousin's mother's uncle's kitten is having hemorrhoid surgery, so why do we need to know it now?   As people leave, the annoying people they leave behind are becoming more apparent.    So how do you decide who to unfriend?    Look no further than my handy guide with my Unfriend Index, which marks the speed with which you should unfriend.

THE DYING EEYORE  


This is the humorless person who makes you feel like a meteor's going to strike you just for knowing them.   Every status update is a catalog of the woes that have befallen them that day.   On a good day their status update might tell you about throwing out their back while trying to go pick up their kid's dog who just crapped on the carpet because cancer's taken away his ability to go into the back yard.   On the way to the vet, their back goes into spasms and they crash their van into a police station connected to a daycare.   They're too proud to ask for bail money, but have conveniently posted their Paypal account.

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:  Looks like with all the stress my herpes is flaring up again.   I knew I shouldn't have invited my boyfriend back into the house after his conviction.

UNFRIEND INDEX:   6 -- Truthfully you want to unfriend them immediately because you're afraid the luck will rub off.   But then, what if karma comes after you for being heartless?

THE DISCIPLE 


This is the Facebook equivalent of a rapper winning an award.  Every status update and picture shared is a pound on the chest and a finger pointing skyward to let you know they're down with Jesus.  Because in Matthew 5 : McConaughey 4, Jesus says "Thou with the most likes shall be granted entry into the eternal Farmville."

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:   Share if You've Been Saved By Jesus.

UNFRIEND INDEX:  9 -- Hey, there's nothing wrong with sharing your faith, but even Jesus thinks maybe you need to get out more.

MYSTERIO


This person likes to provide cryptic status updates that could indicate they have 2 months to live or they just got a hangnail.

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:  OMG.   I can't believe what just happened.  Unbelievable.

UNFRIEND INDEX:  8 -- Truth is, if they actually tell you what is wrong,  rarely will you find out that Mysterio was attacked by a bear after having her life savings stolen by Bernie Madoff.    Typically the drama involves a coworker who burned popcorn.


FACEBOOK SHOPPING NETWORK 

A party girl.    Tupperware parties.   This person is constantly inviting her "friends" to buy candles, housewares, and other crap they don't want, and then vocally complains when nobody shows up.  

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:  "First ten people to my party get a free nose hair stretcher ($10 value) with a $50 purchase.

UNFRIEND INDEX:   If you have to ask, I've got some spare computer fonts I want to sell you.

STELLA TELENOVELA 


Everyone out there has done something to wrong this "friend" and everyone will hear about it.    She's got more drama than a week full of Lifetime movies, and you'll get to hear all about her friends, family and coworkers as though you've met them all personally.   Stay her friend long enough, and you'll feel like you have.

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:   "If that wench Trudy doesn't stop messing around with my cousin's husband,  I'm gonna force my lazy uncle Stuart to go out to her trailer and burn her F150 to the ground."

UNFRIEND INDEX:   3   -- You'll mock every update, but as soon as you unfriend them, you'll miss 'em.   Much better than reality TV.


THE MODEL WITH LONG ARMS

This person changes their profile picture more frequently than their underwear.  99% of these photos are self portraits taken with a cell phone held at arms length to capture their awkward seductive pose.  For some reason, 75% of THOSE photos are taken inside a car.    

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:  Jane Has Posted a Photo With Instagram

UNFRIEND INDEX:  8 -- Even if you think they're good looking, realize that these people are the same ones who take 30 seconds to realize the traffic light has turned green because they were playing Annie Leibovitz.

THE HUMBLEBRAGGART 

This person considers themselves blessed simply to be alive in a time when they exist.  Their status updates are filled with just enough activity and name dropping to make George Clooney feel inadequate.

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:  -- "Wow, what a beautiful day to sign my book contract and be invited to play in Stephen King's band.   It's such an honor that I hope he doesn't take offense I'm going to have to leave early to minister to the poor with the Pope."

UNFRIEND INDEX:   5   -- Every update is annoying, but you're curious how they'll top it.  

NARCISSUS JONES -- (AKA: THE HUMBLEBRAGGART MODEL WITH LONG ARMS)  

This person appears to have a family of 8.   The only reason you know this is because you've counted them in the background or cropped out of the side of her pictures, all of which are of him signing his book contract, playing in Stephen King's band, and ministering to the poor with the Pope.

TYPICAL STATUS UPDATE:   "How do I look?  The Pope let me try on his hat."  

UNFRIEND INDEX:  10 -- This person will never know.  Truth is, they've never read anyone else's status update.