Monday, August 26, 2013

Open Letter to Miley Cyrus About the VMAs

Dear Miley Cyrus,

I watched your performance on last night's VMAs.   I'm sure by now you're over the moon with the words being uttered.  

Scandalous!
Offensive!
Outrageous!  
X-rated!

My thoughts?  Let me put them into song for you.  

(To the tune of Party in the USA)  

I might throw up, where's my gong.  
Can you seek attention any other way?  
Miley's boring on the VMA  
Calculated and boring on the VMA.  

Last night's performance was a parody of all the worst things ever on MTV executed with the panache and style of colorblind rodeo clown with tremors.  And like most "outrageous and controversial" VMA moments, it felt scripted within an inch of its life.    There was nothing sexy about watching you stick out your tongue like a human emoji emoticon while grabbing your crotch with a giant foam finger like a drunken Steelers Fan. Your latex costume didn't make you look like a bondage queen, but rather a girl dealing with bladder issues. And the choreography and stuffed animal motif looked like something Lady Gaga once farted out after a night of White Castles and Pabst Blue Ribbon.   It was a mess, but not even in the enjoyable way an Ed Wood film or Black Eyed Peas song might be.    Instead, it looked just like what it was, a calculated attempt to shock and offend, which seldom does either, except to those who are always shocked and offended.

I realize that you've grown up in the spotlight, and you feel the need to be relevant.   Being a child star can suck.     My advice is simple.  Take a few years off.  Take some of that money and look for other things that catch your interest.    Come back in a project that doesn't distinguish itself from Disney Channel fare by the number of times you grab your crotch, but by the fact that it's grown up and appeals favorably to an adult audience.  

Now I'm off to bed and praying I don't dream of 7 foot teddy bears.   

Sincerely,


Me  

Monday, August 19, 2013

Hopes For My Daughter As She Enters Middle School

A blink of the eye and suddenly tomorrow my baby starts middle school.  Mommy and Daddy are thrilled for her and scared to death.    With only hours to go before she starts her day, here are my wishes for my little Snoozlebug.

  • I hope you make many new friends while growing closer to your old ones.   
  • I hope your classes always be challenging in a way that stimulates your brain and not your patience. 
  • I hope your life is free of bullies and that you're never swayed to be mean to someone else
  • I hope you embrace the greater responsibilities you face and learn and grow from them.  
  • I hope your teachers treat you with love and respect and that you return the favor.  
  • I hope that if you should have a boyfriend that you remember you're 11, not 30, and know that if he touches anything but your hand backpack, hurts you in any way or breaks your heart, I'll destroy him. 
  • I hope that you never lose your love of learning, reading, art, or any of the things that have filled your heart with joy.  
  • I hope you are never afraid to try new things, embrace new ideas, get your hands or your mind a bit messy, and you always trust that you'll see your way through.
  • I hope that these years help guide you toward the things you really love, and that you embrace the idea that just because you're smart enough to do anything, you should turn your attention to the things that engage your heart and mind.   
  • I hope you have an experience in Middle School far better than anything you could have imagined
  • I hope that you mature without losing the little girl within.   And if you could hold my hand occasionally when nobody's looking, that'd be great too.  
And most importantly:
  • I hope you realize your Mommy and I love you with all of our hearts, will be here for you no matter what, and that you will never feel afraid to share your triumphs, fears, doubts, sorrows, and anything that is on your mind.    
May you and all of the people starting school tomorrow have an incredible first day and an incredible year.   

Love,

Daddy

Sunday, August 4, 2013

An Open Letter From Jesus

Hey followers. Been a long time. Just wanted to talk to you because of a few things I've been seeing going on out there I want to address

First, some formalities. Listen Grammy winners, football players, and basketball players. Love your shoutouts, but I had nothing to do with your success. The idea that someone praying harder makes me favor you with a statue or trophy is not cool. Oh, and please stop shooting each other and beating up your girlfriends.

Okay, now on to the real meat of the discussion.

The Bible. Yeah, it's a good book, but Me Flipping Me, it's not the only one. Many of you read it as though it's the traffic code and you're a cop who has to meet his quota of writing tickets. Stop. Consider Dad and I the cop, judge, and jury. We're fair, impartial, and we hate citizens arrests, if you catch my meaning. But since you're all so literal, maybe you don't. You guys have translated and parsed the Bible so much that you've drained much of the magic and love out of it. My advice here is to try to be more like the Beatles and less like Beatlemania.

Now on to other matters. Religion and politics. You live in a great country that allows you to worship as you please, free from each other's individual dogmas, quirks, and failings. You want a true faith? Find it in your heart, share it, but don't assume your neighbor needs the same path. As to hating on Islam, Jews, Atheists, and whomever, remember Dad and I are God, not jilted lovers. If you are working your own path for good in this world, don't assume we'll hate you because you had a prayer rug instead of a cross, or a Spaghetti Monster on your trunk instead of a fish. We'll make the decisions on when the day comes, and they have less to do with slavish adherence to Chapter 4, Verse 6, Jackson 5 than you believe.

Evolution. This one seems to scare a great many of you, who scramble to find any Bible verse, ignorant half truth, or false science to scare people out of actually believing that there may be some things not 100% accurate in the Bible. Just because people are seeking to learn more about the world doesn't mean there are no reasons for me in their life or lives become empty of meaning. Think of science as a great gift and adventure Dad left you all so that you could find even more beauty and love in this world and learn how to make it a better place. They are seeking a more complete version of the truth, and Dad bless them for it. Don't think I've noticed you have no problem with HDTVs, cancer drugs, and iPhones, and they're not in the bible either.

Women. Horrible aren't they? All full of that nurturing and caring instinct. Couldn't possibly want people like that holding a place if stature in my Church could we? Hogwash. Take a look around you. Look in the Bible. Some of my strongest servents were women. The idea that they cannot lead a church and teach my word, or do stand in service of another is ridiculous. My friends in Rome need to spend less time trying to cover up the pain they've caused and more time doing work like the nuns in the US do in my name. And let them dress how they want to dress. My work is hard. At least be comfortable doing it.

Gay marriage. Being gay is not a lifestyle choice. Being a jerk is. I came down to this earth to teach you about love and respect for one another, not to find ways to make my loving children feel worthless because they love someone of the same gender. And just in case you think this is directed at Westboro Baptist, think again. That clown car of hatred does far less damage than the well respected megachurch pastor who actively seeks to make gay men and women the "other" to rally against. Here's a clue. If you want to call being gay a sin, remember you're not the one to decide it is a sin, nor where it lands on my priority list. I will tell you that your continual use of falsehoods to attack any of the peoples on this earth is high on my list. Maybe you should spend less time looking for places to post the Commandments and more time reading and following them.

Above all, know that being a follower of me involves more than reading a textbook and pretending you know all life has to offer. I was not sent here simply to have you ignore this world in search of life in the next, but to make this place a happier, healthier, and more caring place than before I came. To boil it all down, live the best life you can in service, friendship, and love for one another. If you can do that, I'd be much happier.

Love,

 

Jesus